Words of Wisdom

This post is a special one for many reasons.

We all are dealing with something nobody else knows about, even if we try to understand that, we will never really truly understand. I say there are three points of view, his, hers, and the fly on the wall.

The only real truth is the fly on the wall truth. We, as human beings are trying to survive everyday and make it to the next un promised day. We, as human beings are so caught up in trying to figure out when we can share our joys, and our negatives. We, as humans, are trying to make people happy, or trying to find ourselves.

But what if our own versions of "normal" are shattered beyond repair. What if we cannot find a way to go back to "normal" Are we horrible people for trying to get a grip on the changes that have occurred? Are we damned to a life of cycling through the emotions that we don't want?

My answer is NO! We as human beings are doing the only thing we can do in the life we are given....surviving. Maybe people say "oh surviving is the only thing i can do.." That's okay....

The picture in this post is a meaningful statement from a journalist named Catherine Woodiwiss. (https://sojo.net/articles/new-normal-ten-things-ive-learned-about-trauma)

(http://catherinehwoodiwiss.pressfolios.com/) (https://psychconnection.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/finding-a-new-normal-what-to-expect-when-tragedy-strikes/)

I have some websites that explain on this topic that I am talking about. Trauma.

Everyone experiences trauma at some point in their lives. But what if that trauma happened to someone else, and it indirectly affects you...i.e mother/son, father/daughter/ etc.

As you all have read before, I have talked about my younger brother being in a horrible car accident, that involved his best friend passing away. He will live with that for the rest of his life, along with the people who wanted to destroy him, because the suddenly turned on him. He, and along with my parents have suffered at the hands of trauma for the past year. Their "normal" was taken away. To them, they wonder when will our lives go back to being "normal" As Catherine Woodiwiss states, trauma permanently changes you. Unfortunate as it may seem, my family will never have their beloved "normal"back. BUT, and I capitalize that word, BUT, this trauma, as bad as it may sound, this trauma they are left with, in a sick and twisted way, will transform them. They will be able to find a new strength and joy from life built from the ashes of trauma.

Now trauma, doesnt care about what gender you are, what your skin color is, or even your age. Trauma unfolds in many ways for different people.

Catherine Woodiwiss writes in an article, “After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. And many of these realities I wish I’d known when I first encountered them.” That statement rings true in a lot of ways. When we look back on the events or our lives leading up to the traumatic event(s) we tend to think "oh if only i could have done it differently." Thats true, I do that all the time. But why are we punishing ourselves with a "would'a, should'a, could'a" attitude. Yes, its messed up to say that, but in reality, we are punishing ourselves for things we could have done differently. We also sit back and tell ourselves that "if i would have known i wouldn't have done that" Well, yes, in a way, if we made different choices the traumatic event may not have happened then, but it doesn't stop another traumatic event from taking its place.

I have to sometimes sit back and think about my past abusive relationships. I will admit, I punish myself in thinking "well, i knew he was like that" or "if i would have walked away sooner" That may be true, but you know what....I am glad I went through those experiences because I was able to get away, and become a better person because of it. Yes, it is really shitty I have to deal with PTSD, but at the same time, I am learning new strengths to help me get through the moments when I want to punish myself.

Catherine Woodiwiss also states There is no “getting over it.”

To some people on the outside of tragedy, you may just want to say, “get over it.” However, there is no getting over a death or a crisis. What you do is you get THROUGH it. There is never a moment where that instant your life changed doesn’t live with you – either consciously or subconsciously. It has changed you, but the question is what meaning will it take for you in the future? It doesn’t have to take on a negative feeling the rest of your life. As Catherine states, “This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.”

That paragraph right there explains what I am talking about. As much as we may want to never experience something traumatic that changes our "normal", again, as sick and twisted as life may give us, maybe we need to experience those traumas to be able to build a better version of ourselves. After my abusive relationships, I know I don't want to be in another one, I have learned that I am okay with being by myself. I don't need the comfort of another man to tell me he will never hurt me. You know why....because I am okay. I need to focus on myself, and my kids. I need to build myself up, and make sure I am happy. I have tried to make another man happy for so long, that I lost myself in that.

No, I will never begin to understand what my parents or brother went through....I dont pretend to know. What I can do is offer them a safe space to come and talk to me, and I will sit there and listen. Trauma comes at unexpected times, in many unexpected ways, but when we start to heal, we will see a different person come out of their shell, and they will be stronger because of it.